Forever Loved, Forever Missed

The grief journey of a girl (27) who lost her true love, James (29) on the 22 Dec 2013. He was hit off his bike by an alleged DUI driver.
Five years just wasn't long enough. I miss you.
http://johnrapley.wix.com/jamesrapleymemorial

I don’t understand

How are you just a memory?
Why are you just a memory?

I don’t understand
Why are you not here?

My heart is so broken. I miss you so much. I just can’t compute that you’re not here anymore. It just doesn’t make sense. It can’t be real.

I need your touch, I need your voice, I need your companionship. I need you.

I’m really struggling and need you to come back now please. I hope wherever you are you’re safe and not in any pain. I know you’d hate to see me like this but it’s hard to keep going when a part of my heart has been left behind.

I love you so much.

Forever loved, forever missed xoxo

Even an hour and a half at the gym couldn’t give me enough endorphins to rid me of this sadness.

James always told me going to the gym would help me to be happy and healthy.

It didn’t work.

I’m just so sad. I miss him so much.

Oh long weekend, how sad you make me feel.

I only realised it was a long weekend a couple of days ago.

Usually we’d be going away to explore somewhere fun and new.

Instead it’s just an additional day to be lonely and sad, missing you.

Another first. Long weekend in a foreign country without you or any friends. Check. This sucks.

So I cried in front of my project manager today.

He was good about it.

It was the end of the day and people had talked about a funeral and I’d talked about James in a conversation about how he disliked hipsters and I think it just accumulated into sadness. I left before crying but we ended up at the elevator together and when he asked if I was ok the tears just flooded out.

Urgh.

Another first. Crying at work. Great.

I thought it had been a good day up until then. Things can change in an instant. And I cried all the way home.

He isn’t here

I’m acutely aware that there are many many people in this world who are doing it tougher than me.

Homelessness, war zones, natural disasters, systemic poverty, health epidemics and violence…. the list goes on.

But it still doesn’t make it easier to face losing your love and your future.

All I can think is how can it be possible
that I can do my job, live a full life, laugh and be happy when he isn’t here? I am just constantly hit with the fact that he isn’t here, he isn’t here, he isn’t here. And each time I always have the fleeting thought… I wish it had been me instead. I wish he was still here instead of me.

My counselor has said I need to squash those thoughts when they arise so they don’t pull me into a depressive spiral and I’m better at that now, but that doesn’t stop the thoughts entering in the first place. I wish we could trade places. He was just so perfect. It should have been me :(

A small gesture

This week I’ve changed the way I walk to work. On this new path for the last three mornings I have seen a man sleeping next to the bridge I walk over. It breaks my heart, so today I decided to do a random raok, not one that falls on the monthly anniversary of James death.

After work I went to the supermarket in my building and made a little care package including apples, bananas, protein bars, tuna and snickers bars.

Then on the way home I left it beside where he sleeps, in an area he has made his home, next to his drying socks. I was a little worried what to say if he was there, but he wasn’t around so I just left it tied up in a plastic bag with my little note indicating the act was done in loving memory of James.

It’s not much, but I wanted to do something that might make a small difference.

I sure hope he gets it.

Got a spare $250,000??

So I was trying to study for my work certification that I need for my job or I’ll get kicked out of the country and although it’s interesting and important, I just wasn’t making any progress crying every twenty minutes. I think it’s because I’m doing something I want to be doing and I’m moving forward with my life without him and it just makes me sad.

Anyway I had to stop and so I was having a look at what I might do for next month’s tribute… I think I’ve found the perfect thing… a space flight!!

http://www.funsherpa.com/virgin-galactic-usa.html

Anyone got a spare $250k lying around? Lol how friggin crazy is it that this is actually a thing!

Oh to be rich lol

A thousand moments that I had just taken for granted- mostly because I had assumed that there would be a thousand more.

—Morgan Matson, Second Chance Summer (via quotes-shape-us)

(via silentvictory)

Cooking Challenge number 4: Roast pork and sweet potato

So a goal of mine before I even started this cooking challenge was to try to cook roast pork as well as James. I had in my head that by Christmas I’d be able to cook it well and make it for Christmas lunch. He couldn’t cook too many dishes but he cooked a mean roast pork. We shared a love for pork.

So this was attempt number 1. Was a mini pork loin roast with no crackling so kind of cheating but I wanted to start with an easy version and will work my way up. Turned out really well. James also loved sweet potato, another ingredient I’d never cooked before so added them in. Roasting them was super easy. Also reused my roasted radish technique from challenge no 1. They work well for roast dinners to add color to the meal.

I’m happy with how it turned out. But it was another first and I cried while eating my meal. Eating alone at home on a Saturday night and eating one of his favourite meals without him just sucks. I miss him.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.

—Stephen Colbert (via peace-love-colbert)

James and I loved Colbert. And as usual he has nailed it. Grief is definitely a thing.

(via losingmyhappiness)

8 months without you James. We’d have probably been engaged by now. It breaks my heart. But to get through the day I did things to keep your memory alive. I completed my 2nd #kindnessproject act in your honour and we went to Chinatown to eat food we’d never usually eat. Definitely something that pushed me outside my comfort zone! I have no idea why you like some of this stuff! I now have an answer to the question “what’s the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten?”… tripe, jellyfish, beef tongue and pork intestines… all ticked off the list… and I can safely say tripe and intestines are something I won’t be in a rush to try again! But we did enjoy the lychee wine and the Fu-kin rice :) Wish you were here every second.
Forever loved, forever missed xoxo

8 months without you James. We’d have probably been engaged by now. It breaks my heart. But to get through the day I did things to keep your memory alive. I completed my 2nd #kindnessproject act in your honour and we went to Chinatown to eat food we’d never usually eat. Definitely something that pushed me outside my comfort zone! I have no idea why you like some of this stuff! I now have an answer to the question “what’s the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten?”… tripe, jellyfish, beef tongue and pork intestines… all ticked off the list… and I can safely say tripe and intestines are something I won’t be in a rush to try again! But we did enjoy the lychee wine and the Fu-kin rice :) Wish you were here every second.
Forever loved, forever missed xoxo

Quickest way to turn into a bumbling mess?

Read all the condolence notes written on the everyday hero page we set up right after the accident in lieu of flowers, before we set up the ongoing scholarship in his name.

https://give.everydayhero.com/au/jamesrapley

Fuck I miss him. He was so fucking perfect.

lotte-i-miss-you asked: Hi, I run a blog called mental-health-advice. We help with every mental health related issues like self harm, eating disorders or relationship, gender and sexuality issues. We created a live chat and have dozens of pages. It would really really mean the world to us if you could follow/post this for your followers, so we can help even more people. But, make sure that if you do follow, it is on mental-health-advice rather than this (my personal) Thanks in advance, Pauline

Hi all,

Got this in my inbox about some online support at @mental-health-advice

I can’t say I’ve used their services and for me I’ve found tumblr and face to face resources to be the best for me… but if there are people who are needing resources but can’t find any face to face support groups or counselors or too much anxiety to go out or uncomfortable with face to face you might find this place helpful. They seem to have online chat sessions which might be useful.

Just letting you know, do with the info what you will Xoxo

My random act of kindness in James’ memory today. 

Left this in my hotel room for the staff.

My random act of kindness in James’ memory today.

Left this in my hotel room for the staff.