Ok so today was awkward. I just played the avoidance card and didn’t talk to him all day then I fled early from class so he couldn’t ask me to dinner again. He did text me (because like an idiot I have him my number yesterday) and asked me to dinner but I declined. No way putting myself through that again…. and a lot easier to decline via text!
I didn’t tell him about James, because I avoided him all day, I had a plan that if I got asked out again in person that I would spill the beans about everything but I got out of it. Tomorrow is a half day and we all go back home, so hopefully I’ll never have to see him again.
Having thought about it (a LOT… in only the way I can over analyze everything) I think the thing I hate the most about it all that it wasn’t done on my own terms. If I was feeling ready to go out and see what it was like to date then it would have been a different story. But right now I have no idea when that will be… I just know it is definitely not now. Just thinking about if this guy came up made me feel sick, like physically my stomach churned! So I know it’s not what I wanted and I tried to think it wasn’t a date, but I think that was nieve, he was obviously interested in more (I’ve been out of the scene for so long I was genuinely shocked when he asked himself up… like we’re on training, it’s a school night and we’re from different cities, to me it just didn’t seem an option… but I guess that is actually the perfect one night stand opportunity for most single people…but I haven’t thought like that since I was 21! I started dating james at 22!)
I think I’m also over thinking about what would have happened if there was chemistry on my end? That thought freaks me out. This event has made me contemplate this stuff wayyyy earlier than I would have ever imagined. I know I don’t want to be alone forever (the loneliness is really killing me) and I know james wouldn’t want me to be, but in my mind I have given myself a year before I even contemplate it. And although this experience has seemed to confirm that I’m not ready and that timeframe seems appropriate, I just don’t know what would have happened if this guy had turned out to be my type, would have I agreed to “watch a movie” with him? And just thinking about it has scared the crap out of me. I just hate that I (and we in this fellowship of grief) have to go through this mind fuck.
I can’t believe how it’s affected me, I can’t stop thinking about it and analysing it. And this poor guy is probably thinking wtf did I do wrong? She was fine at dinner and now she’s like a fucking teenage girl playing avoidance.
I just want James back so bad. I want to tell him how I got hit on by a nerd (he loved bragging to me when he got hit on, big self esteem boost lol and I liked it too, I’m like hell yea you got hit on, just look at you!) but then I’d go home and get snuggles and that would be the end of it.
The loneliness is so hard when you didn’t choose to end it. But tonight as I sit in a restaurant by myself, while it’s a horrible comparison to what life was, I’m so much more comfortable than last night and for that I’m grateful. I’m slowly starting to adjust to this single life and all I know is as lonely as life is, I’m comfortable with my own company (as well as my Tumblr company of course!!)
Thanks again for all your support when I freaked out, you are all amazing Xoxo