Forever Loved, Forever Missed

The grief journey of a girl (27) who lost her true love, James (29) on the 22 Dec 2013. He was hit off his bike by an alleged DUI driver.
Five years just wasn't long enough. I miss you.
http://johnrapley.wix.com/jamesrapleymemorial

So I cried in front of my project manager today.

He was good about it.

It was the end of the day and people had talked about a funeral and I’d talked about James in a conversation about how he disliked hipsters and I think it just accumulated into sadness. I left before crying but we ended up at the elevator together and when he asked if I was ok the tears just flooded out.

Urgh.

Another first. Crying at work. Great.

I thought it had been a good day up until then. Things can change in an instant. And I cried all the way home.

He isn’t here

I’m acutely aware that there are many many people in this world who are doing it tougher than me.

Homelessness, war zones, natural disasters, systemic poverty, health epidemics and violence…. the list goes on.

But it still doesn’t make it easier to face losing your love and your future.

All I can think is how can it be possible
that I can do my job, live a full life, laugh and be happy when he isn’t here? I am just constantly hit with the fact that he isn’t here, he isn’t here, he isn’t here. And each time I always have the fleeting thought… I wish it had been me instead. I wish he was still here instead of me.

My counselor has said I need to squash those thoughts when they arise so they don’t pull me into a depressive spiral and I’m better at that now, but that doesn’t stop the thoughts entering in the first place. I wish we could trade places. He was just so perfect. It should have been me :(

A small gesture

This week I’ve changed the way I walk to work. On this new path for the last three mornings I have seen a man sleeping next to the bridge I walk over. It breaks my heart, so today I decided to do a random raok, not one that falls on the monthly anniversary of James death.

After work I went to the supermarket in my building and made a little care package including apples, bananas, protein bars, tuna and snickers bars.

Then on the way home I left it beside where he sleeps, in an area he has made his home, next to his drying socks. I was a little worried what to say if he was there, but he wasn’t around so I just left it tied up in a plastic bag with my little note indicating the act was done in loving memory of James.

It’s not much, but I wanted to do something that might make a small difference.

I sure hope he gets it.

Got a spare $250,000??

So I was trying to study for my work certification that I need for my job or I’ll get kicked out of the country and although it’s interesting and important, I just wasn’t making any progress crying every twenty minutes. I think it’s because I’m doing something I want to be doing and I’m moving forward with my life without him and it just makes me sad.

Anyway I had to stop and so I was having a look at what I might do for next month’s tribute… I think I’ve found the perfect thing… a space flight!!

http://www.funsherpa.com/virgin-galactic-usa.html

Anyone got a spare $250k lying around? Lol how friggin crazy is it that this is actually a thing!

Oh to be rich lol

A thousand moments that I had just taken for granted- mostly because I had assumed that there would be a thousand more.

—Morgan Matson, Second Chance Summer (via quotes-shape-us)

(via silentvictory)

Cooking Challenge number 4: Roast pork and sweet potato

So a goal of mine before I even started this cooking challenge was to try to cook roast pork as well as James. I had in my head that by Christmas I’d be able to cook it well and make it for Christmas lunch. He couldn’t cook too many dishes but he cooked a mean roast pork. We shared a love for pork.

So this was attempt number 1. Was a mini pork loin roast with no crackling so kind of cheating but I wanted to start with an easy version and will work my way up. Turned out really well. James also loved sweet potato, another ingredient I’d never cooked before so added them in. Roasting them was super easy. Also reused my roasted radish technique from challenge no 1. They work well for roast dinners to add color to the meal.

I’m happy with how it turned out. But it was another first and I cried while eating my meal. Eating alone at home on a Saturday night and eating one of his favourite meals without him just sucks. I miss him.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.

—Stephen Colbert (via peace-love-colbert)

James and I loved Colbert. And as usual he has nailed it. Grief is definitely a thing.

(via losingmyhappiness)

8 months without you James. We’d have probably been engaged by now. It breaks my heart. But to get through the day I did things to keep your memory alive. I completed my 2nd #kindnessproject act in your honour and we went to Chinatown to eat food we’d never usually eat. Definitely something that pushed me outside my comfort zone! I have no idea why you like some of this stuff! I now have an answer to the question “what’s the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten?”… tripe, jellyfish, beef tongue and pork intestines… all ticked off the list… and I can safely say tripe and intestines are something I won’t be in a rush to try again! But we did enjoy the lychee wine and the Fu-kin rice :) Wish you were here every second.
Forever loved, forever missed xoxo

8 months without you James. We’d have probably been engaged by now. It breaks my heart. But to get through the day I did things to keep your memory alive. I completed my 2nd #kindnessproject act in your honour and we went to Chinatown to eat food we’d never usually eat. Definitely something that pushed me outside my comfort zone! I have no idea why you like some of this stuff! I now have an answer to the question “what’s the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten?”… tripe, jellyfish, beef tongue and pork intestines… all ticked off the list… and I can safely say tripe and intestines are something I won’t be in a rush to try again! But we did enjoy the lychee wine and the Fu-kin rice :) Wish you were here every second.
Forever loved, forever missed xoxo

Quickest way to turn into a bumbling mess?

Read all the condolence notes written on the everyday hero page we set up right after the accident in lieu of flowers, before we set up the ongoing scholarship in his name.

https://give.everydayhero.com/au/jamesrapley

Fuck I miss him. He was so fucking perfect.

self-harming-fat-girl asked: Hi, I run a blog called mental-health-advice. We help with every mental health related issues like self harm, eating disorders or relationship, gender and sexuality issues. We created a live chat and have dozens of pages. It would really really mean the world to us if you could follow/post this for your followers, so we can help even more people. But, make sure that if you do follow, it is on mental-health-advice rather than this (my personal) Thanks in advance, Pauline

Hi all,

Got this in my inbox about some online support at @mental-health-advice

I can’t say I’ve used their services and for me I’ve found tumblr and face to face resources to be the best for me… but if there are people who are needing resources but can’t find any face to face support groups or counselors or too much anxiety to go out or uncomfortable with face to face you might find this place helpful. They seem to have online chat sessions which might be useful.

Just letting you know, do with the info what you will Xoxo

My random act of kindness in James’ memory today. 

Left this in my hotel room for the staff.

My random act of kindness in James’ memory today.

Left this in my hotel room for the staff.

Grief and Healing: Will I Ever Recover?

eternofenix:

"That hole torn in the universe will not just close back up so that you can go back to normal. No matter what happens next in your life, it will never be adequate compensation. The person you lost can’t come back. That loss can’t be regained."

YES! Yes! A thousand times yes. I wish this was how everyone understood grief.

Over analysing

Ok so today was awkward. I just played the avoidance card and didn’t talk to him all day then I fled early from class so he couldn’t ask me to dinner again. He did text me (because like an idiot I have him my number yesterday) and asked me to dinner but I declined. No way putting myself through that again…. and a lot easier to decline via text!

I didn’t tell him about James, because I avoided him all day, I had a plan that if I got asked out again in person that I would spill the beans about everything but I got out of it. Tomorrow is a half day and we all go back home, so hopefully I’ll never have to see him again.

Having thought about it (a LOT… in only the way I can over analyze everything) I think the thing I hate the most about it all that it wasn’t done on my own terms. If I was feeling ready to go out and see what it was like to date then it would have been a different story. But right now I have no idea when that will be… I just know it is definitely not now. Just thinking about if this guy came up made me feel sick, like physically my stomach churned! So I know it’s not what I wanted and I tried to think it wasn’t a date, but I think that was nieve, he was obviously interested in more (I’ve been out of the scene for so long I was genuinely shocked when he asked himself up… like we’re on training, it’s a school night and we’re from different cities, to me it just didn’t seem an option… but I guess that is actually the perfect one night stand opportunity for most single people…but I haven’t thought like that since I was 21! I started dating james at 22!)

I think I’m also over thinking about what would have happened if there was chemistry on my end? That thought freaks me out. This event has made me contemplate this stuff wayyyy earlier than I would have ever imagined. I know I don’t want to be alone forever (the loneliness is really killing me) and I know james wouldn’t want me to be, but in my mind I have given myself a year before I even contemplate it. And although this experience has seemed to confirm that I’m not ready and that timeframe seems appropriate, I just don’t know what would have happened if this guy had turned out to be my type, would have I agreed to “watch a movie” with him? And just thinking about it has scared the crap out of me. I just hate that I (and we in this fellowship of grief) have to go through this mind fuck.

I can’t believe how it’s affected me, I can’t stop thinking about it and analysing it. And this poor guy is probably thinking wtf did I do wrong? She was fine at dinner and now she’s like a fucking teenage girl playing avoidance.

I just want James back so bad. I want to tell him how I got hit on by a nerd (he loved bragging to me when he got hit on, big self esteem boost lol and I liked it too, I’m like hell yea you got hit on, just look at you!) but then I’d go home and get snuggles and that would be the end of it.

The loneliness is so hard when you didn’t choose to end it. But tonight as I sit in a restaurant by myself, while it’s a horrible comparison to what life was, I’m so much more comfortable than last night and for that I’m grateful. I’m slowly starting to adjust to this single life and all I know is as lonely as life is, I’m comfortable with my own company (as well as my Tumblr company of course!!)

Thanks again for all your support when I freaked out, you are all amazing Xoxo

They played this at training. Big belly laughs. Exactly what I needed. Hilarious!! Hope it gives you guys a smile too ;)