Forever Loved, Forever Missed

The grief journey of a girl (27) who lost her true love, James (29) on the 22 Dec 2013. He was hit off his bike by an alleged DUI driver.
Five years just wasn't long enough. I miss you.
http://johnrapley.wix.com/jamesrapleymemorial

Just did my second exam. Get the results straight away as it’s online.

I got 95%

I should be happy (and I am) but I’m also so sad. I just want to tell James so badly.

Holding back the tears at my desk.

Proper kisses

Daydreaming about kisses with James.
It’s been almost 9 months since our last kiss.
Imagining his lingering lips.

And I think about the times he’d only give me a peck I’d insist on him giving me a “proper” kiss, and pull him back in where he’d make sure to moisten his lips first and ensure that it lasted a few wonderful moments, tongue optional, but prefered.

And I remembered the time I knew we’d get married. Such a small moment, but one I think of all the time. He was at the dining table eating breakfast and I was running out to go to work. We’d got into the routine of always kissing before leaving the house (which I loved). I rushed up and gave him a quick kiss goodbye. He stopped and exclaimed “is that it?!” …. so I came back and gave him a “proper” kiss. One that counted. A kiss that will forever be in my heart and my daydreams

Feeling strangely at ease.

Yesterday I didn’t cry. That makes it 9 days.

I feel like my reactions to thoughts and triggers is duller. Although my thoughts of him and the fact that he isn’t here still make me sad, my heart doesn’t feel like it’s being ripped out each time, recently.

I’m keeping busy and trying to just take things as they come. I know the nine month date is creeping up so the wave may break then, but until then I’ll just keep swimming.

Oh, and I got 93% on my exam yesterday! It’s for work to get certified, so that’s a relief. 1 down, 3 to go!

I hope you dance

—Unknown

Should be studying for my exam tomorrow.
Instead listening to sad songs and crying.
I miss you so much James. I miss you so much.

I have had a tear free weekend! Am now up to 8 days of no tears, and the first three tear free days strung together!

I had a friend visit me who I haven’t seen for almost two years, and the weekend was filled with laughter, meaningful conversation and lots and lots of food!!

I got to see and do things I’d wanted to do in my new city but hadn’t wanted to do by myself.

I’m glad my friend is so decisive and just decided to book the weekend in. Although she had no expectations for what we’d do and was mentally prepared to sit and watch movies with me crying if need be, her coming actually forced me to plan fun things and get out of the house.

I think this picture sums up how I felt this weekend. I am having another friend visit next weekend and hope to feel like this again then. It feels good to be happy for a while.

I have had a tear free weekend! Am now up to 8 days of no tears, and the first three tear free days strung together!

I had a friend visit me who I haven’t seen for almost two years, and the weekend was filled with laughter, meaningful conversation and lots and lots of food!!

I got to see and do things I’d wanted to do in my new city but hadn’t wanted to do by myself.

I’m glad my friend is so decisive and just decided to book the weekend in. Although she had no expectations for what we’d do and was mentally prepared to sit and watch movies with me crying if need be, her coming actually forced me to plan fun things and get out of the house.

I think this picture sums up how I felt this weekend. I am having another friend visit next weekend and hope to feel like this again then. It feels good to be happy for a while.

I can’t stop eating!!!

Right after the accident I didn’t eat anything pretty much for weeks.

Now I just can’t stop eating. All I want it sugar and carbs and I’m eating all day at work then all night alone until my stomach wants to burst!!!!

One year ago today I was leaving for America to be with James to start the next exciting chapter in our lives. We should be celebrating one year together in Chicago….This isn’t how it’s meant to be.

FUCK YOU AMERICAN HEALTHCARE SYSTEM

ALL I WANT TO DO IS SEE A GRIEF COUNSELLOR. DESPERATELY.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING DIFFICULT.

Why are you not here with me?

How can it be that in the same moment,

I can hate that I’ve adjusted to this new routine without you,

but also completely not understand or fathome that you are gone and not here anymore?

So Friday night’s can just fuck off

Every time I see a new photo of him I just stare at his studley face. We used to call him studley mc man man.

And I stare into his beautiful eyes, but then I am taken back to the day, back to the moment that I was asked over the phone by the police to ID him and they asked me what color eyes he had… in my shocked state I’d laughed and said we always joked that we never knew what color his eyes were… sometimes blue and sometimes green. How the fuck I could have joked at a time like that is beyond me.

And my tortured mind imagines him in the hospital rushed into emergency. By himself. And then I conjure images of him in a morgue, cold and alone with someone checking what color his eyes are. 

And I cry and I cry.

Every time I see a new photo of him I just stare at his studley face. We used to call him studley mc man man.

And I stare into his beautiful eyes, but then I am taken back to the day, back to the moment that I was asked over the phone by the police to ID him and they asked me what color eyes he had… in my shocked state I’d laughed and said we always joked that we never knew what color his eyes were… sometimes blue and sometimes green. How the fuck I could have joked at a time like that is beyond me.

And my tortured mind imagines him in the hospital rushed into emergency. By himself. And then I conjure images of him in a morgue, cold and alone with someone checking what color his eyes are.

And I cry and I cry.

Your mind and your muscles

Well I couldn’t string three days together.
Crying now.

I miss constantly learning things from you. Things I’d never even heard of you were an expert in and always teaching me. I know sometimes I would roll my eyes and fade out when it got too intellectual for me (which was often), but not having that now is one of the biggest things I miss. I miss your mind. Just so smart and such a thirst for knowledge.

And while I miss your mind, I also miss your big muscles and your touch. It’s raining today and all I want to do is put a movie on and snuggle up to you on the couch and get take in and then retire to the bedroom for late night snuggles and spoons.

I miss you so much.

Who would have thought?

Yesterday was no tears also. First 2 non crying days strung together.

And I’m feeling like today is going to be a pretty good day… my AFL team, hawks, won their qualifying final!

Got up at 5am to watch it live.

Things are looking up. I loved that James and I got into our footy. He didn’t like how crazy I get about it sometimes, but I know he’d enjoy seeing me happy with the win.

GO HAWKS!!!