Forever Loved, Forever Missed

The grief journey of a girl (27) who lost her true love, James (29) on the 22 Dec 2013. He was hit off his bike by an alleged DUI driver.
Five years just wasn't long enough. I miss you.
http://johnrapley.wix.com/jamesrapleymemorial
humansofnewyork:

“When my husband was dying, I said: ‘Moe, how am I supposed to live without you?’ He told me: ‘Take the love you have for me and spread it around.’”

I’m going to try…

humansofnewyork:

“When my husband was dying, I said: ‘Moe, how am I supposed to live without you?’ He told me: ‘Take the love you have for me and spread it around.’”

I’m going to try…

This is grief.

It is not pretty. It is not the romanticized version of loss you see in movies; of finding the hidden meaning for why this happened.

It is ugly.
It is the depths of sadness you never imagined possible.
It is snotty.
It is howling.
It is crying. Every. Single. Day.
It is guilty. Guilt at yourself for not doing more to save your loved one. Guilt for being alive. Guilt for moving forward.
It is uncomfortable.
It is all consuming.
It is awkward conversations.
It is not being able to leave your house, or spend time with people you love, or do things you once enjoyed.
It is wishing it had been you.
It is dark thoughts.
It is mourning for the life you don’t get to have anymore, and the life your loved one has lost.
It is hating trivial shit.
It is exhausting.
It is waiting for a finish line that will never come.
It is triggers.
It is some ok days and lots of terrible days.
It is the price of love. 
It is missing and longing for what you have lost.
It is so many memories that can sometimes bring solace, but sometimes bring immense pain.
It is slowing trying to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and keep moving forward even when you don’t see any point in a life without your loved one.

This is grief. This is hard. This is something you’d never wish on anyone.

This is grief.

It is not pretty. It is not the romanticized version of loss you see in movies; of finding the hidden meaning for why this happened.

It is ugly.
It is the depths of sadness you never imagined possible.
It is snotty.
It is howling.
It is crying. Every. Single. Day.
It is guilty. Guilt at yourself for not doing more to save your loved one. Guilt for being alive. Guilt for moving forward.
It is uncomfortable.
It is all consuming.
It is awkward conversations.
It is not being able to leave your house, or spend time with people you love, or do things you once enjoyed.
It is wishing it had been you.
It is dark thoughts.
It is mourning for the life you don’t get to have anymore, and the life your loved one has lost.
It is hating trivial shit.
It is exhausting.
It is waiting for a finish line that will never come.
It is triggers.
It is some ok days and lots of terrible days.
It is the price of love.
It is missing and longing for what you have lost.
It is so many memories that can sometimes bring solace, but sometimes bring immense pain.
It is slowing trying to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and keep moving forward even when you don’t see any point in a life without your loved one.

This is grief. This is hard. This is something you’d never wish on anyone.

Pretty good

Today was a reasonably good day.
Yoga.
Got my Illinois ID with little fuss.
Good chats with my friend C and S.
Sent a nice thankyou present to my mentor B in Perth for all her support.
Talked to a woman about joining a support group.

Got lots done. Didn’t feel too down.
Pretty good.
That is all.
Night all xoxo

You’re always in my heart James, and I’m trying to live life fully for both of us. 

Forever loved, forever missed xoxo

You’re always in my heart James, and I’m trying to live life fully for both of us.

Forever loved, forever missed xoxo

So I picked myself up today after yesterday’s mess of a day.

Booked the joy ride flight for James birthday weekend.

Went into the city to organize a few things. Successfully managed to go into Target (the one I’d been to the day if the accident) with no real problems (but I did have to go in and out quickly).

I also decided a couple of days ago that’d do a day when I was in the city where I’d give a dollar to everyone I saw on the side of the street asking for help. I thought today was as good a day as any. I counted 8 dollar bills on me when I left my house and on my trip where I walked around 12 blocks in total, I handed out all my dollars as well as a handful of change.

It’s not much, but it’s a small act of kindness which is something I’m trying to work on. I received lots of sincere thank yous and many god bless yous. It breaks my heart seeing such poverty and I know it broke James heart to see the wealth disparity here in the USA. 

One time we were in McDonald’s late one night and he just felt so bad for the workers who were making such low minimum wage but don’t even get opportunity for tips like at restaurants. He tried to get me to tip the girl behind the counter (he was too shy) and as much as I wanted to I couldn’t, I told him they can’t take it as I’d been told by friends who worked there that their pants don’t even have pockets to stop people stealing from the tills.

I think for my kindness project act in James honour for his bday, I’m going to tip one of the workers where we’re going to get the take away ribs a generous tip as I think it’s fitting.

Then I went for a nice hour long walk along lake Michigan. The view was beautiful (see pic) and I didn’t cry on the walk.

Although I had tears later this evening, all in all my day was a lot better than yesterday and I know that I can keep going and that I have a purpose to be here, to try to help others, help make the world a better place in my own small way and to be here for my family and friends who love me and I love them

So I picked myself up today after yesterday’s mess of a day.

Booked the joy ride flight for James birthday weekend.

Went into the city to organize a few things. Successfully managed to go into Target (the one I’d been to the day if the accident) with no real problems (but I did have to go in and out quickly).

I also decided a couple of days ago that’d do a day when I was in the city where I’d give a dollar to everyone I saw on the side of the street asking for help. I thought today was as good a day as any. I counted 8 dollar bills on me when I left my house and on my trip where I walked around 12 blocks in total, I handed out all my dollars as well as a handful of change.

It’s not much, but it’s a small act of kindness which is something I’m trying to work on. I received lots of sincere thank yous and many god bless yous. It breaks my heart seeing such poverty and I know it broke James heart to see the wealth disparity here in the USA.

One time we were in McDonald’s late one night and he just felt so bad for the workers who were making such low minimum wage but don’t even get opportunity for tips like at restaurants. He tried to get me to tip the girl behind the counter (he was too shy) and as much as I wanted to I couldn’t, I told him they can’t take it as I’d been told by friends who worked there that their pants don’t even have pockets to stop people stealing from the tills.

I think for my kindness project act in James honour for his bday, I’m going to tip one of the workers where we’re going to get the take away ribs a generous tip as I think it’s fitting.

Then I went for a nice hour long walk along lake Michigan. The view was beautiful (see pic) and I didn’t cry on the walk.

Although I had tears later this evening, all in all my day was a lot better than yesterday and I know that I can keep going and that I have a purpose to be here, to try to help others, help make the world a better place in my own small way and to be here for my family and friends who love me and I love them

Something I have to remember sometimes….

Something I have to remember sometimes….

The Kindness Project   

Just found this kindness project which is a really great idea and ties in so well with my journey to date where I’ve been trying to be kind to myself as well as removing my judgment of others and always being kind.

I think I will definitely do a random act of kindness for James on his birthday in his honor… I just have to think of what… and maybe I’ll tie this into my monthly tributes and do something on the 22nd as well as a bucket list item!

This has made me happy as it’s another way to keep James legacy and memory alive!

******
“The Kindness Project began in 1996 as a way for families to honor their deceased child and to help themselves heal. Now, years later, almost 2,000,000 (yes, two million!) Kindness Project cards have been used around the world to perform random acts of kindness in memory of a child, parent, friend, or spouse who died before their time.

The idea is to perform random acts of, usually anonymous, acts of kindness in your community. A little card is left behind so that the person who benefits from the kindness knows that someone’s life and death continues to matter. This beautiful movement has helped thousands of families to heal and find positive outlets for their overwhelming grief”

Forever 29

carryyouinmyheart:

foreverlovedforevermissed:

I’m not doing very well today.

I keep thinking about James upcoming 30th bday on August 7th. Every time I think about it, it gets me incredibly sad.

I can’t believe he didn’t make it to 30. I just can’t believe it.

We would have done something great for it and I couldn’t wait to pamper him and treat him on this milestone birthday.

He’s just too young. I want him back. What kind of life is this without him. I just don’t see the point without him with me.

I know how you feel. My sweetheart made it to 19. His 20th birthday was a few months after he died. His birthday was exactly one month after my own.

I spent everyday from the funeral til then dreading it. But I had a pretty good day. I spent his birthday with his family. My parents came over and we threw a birthday party for Jordan. Sliced birthday cake for him, sang the song and drove a piece of cake to the cemetery (the deer liked it). We went to see Captain America 2 because his fave superhero is Cap and he wanted to see it so badly.

It hurt that he wasn’t there with us on his birthday and we had to change the way we celebrated it for him but spending the day with the people he loved most and doing things he wanted to made the day so much more better. Iwant to think if James was still with you, he would want you to smile on his birthday.

Much love, hon!

Thanks carryyouinmyheart

I want to do something nice for his birthday, however as I’m in Chicago now I can’t spend the day with his family. To make it harder, his birthday will be on a Thursday and will be during the first week that I’m back at work, so I can’t take the day off. Everyone has said working during the day will at least keep me busy, and I guess it will have to be that way. But I’d wanted to do something nice that evening. However his best friend from Chicago has just had a baby a few months ago, so me and my friends who I’m living with will just be going over to their house and having ribs (which James loved) on their rooftop (if its nice weather). I know it will be nice, but I just don’t feel like its “big” enough for a 30th. However I know I had this same anxiety over the fact that our tribute for the 6 months wasn’t “big” enough and it ended up being nice. So I’m coming around to the idea of just spending that night having a low key night with his friends.

I’m feeling a bit better now though also because M, James friend who just moved to San Fran has said he’d like to come to Chicago to spend the weekend with me for his birthday. M really is the best and I don’t know what I would do without him. I hadn’t wanted to ask him as hes been super busy at his new job. But now he said hes coming, I have had a look at some things to do, and I’m hoping we’ll be able to do a joy ride flight over Chicago (something on my bucket list, and I feel like it’s the kind of present I would have got James for his bday given we always gave each other experience presents). Then we’ll have dinner with the group of us Saturday night and go to a baseball game (James loved going to the baseball here) on the Sunday. Since M told me he was coming and we can spend a nice weekend in James memory I have been feeling a little better about it.

I’m hoping maybe next year we can do a big trip somewhere and meet up with all his best friends for a roadtrip or something for his bday as a replacement for this bday which has been difficult given we’ve just moved over here. We would definitely have gone away for his 30th as his other friends had done that for their 30ths and I knew James would have wanted that.

Thanks also everyone for your kind words of support, as you can tell today has been a difficult one, but this Fellowship of Grief has helped me so much on my journey, not sure what I’d do without you kind people out in internet land xoxox

Forever 29

I’m not doing very well today.

I keep thinking about James upcoming 30th bday on August 7th. Every time I think about it, it gets me incredibly sad.

I can’t believe he didn’t make it to 30. I just can’t believe it.

We would have done something great for it and I couldn’t wait to pamper him and treat him on this milestone birthday.

He’s just too young. I want him back. What kind of life is this without him. I just don’t see the point without him with me.

You can’t make this stuff up!

On the train for the first time since being back in Chicago.

Train ends up being delayed at none other than the stop that used to be our stop, Sedgwick station, near our old place. Tears start welling up, we sit and sit, I’m thinking, you’ve got to be kidding me this is happening!

Then we finally slowly start moving and then come to a halt again just up the tracks. This time we stop exactly where I have a line of sight directly to our old house. There were trees and buildings between the train and our place, and it stopped where I was literally the only person on the train who could have seen our house.

Wtf?!!!! I could not believe it!!

More tears as I started thinking about the first and only place we set up together and called home. I was so happy finally living with him. It had been so easy. I was just so happy. Now I’m just sad.

Dinner for one

I was home alone last night as the friends I’m staying with were out.

Although not very hungry I decided to make a meal out of the pork cookbook I gave James.

I sat down at the table, eating my dinner for one.

I cried the entire time while eating my meal.

Each time I looked up across the table I saw an empty chair instead of James sitting there complementing me on my cooking.

No wonder I don’t have much of an appetite. It’s sad thinking that I’ll be eating for one again, I had so loved living with him and grocery shopping and cooking for two :(

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be

People getting engaged
People getting married
People buying houses
People having babies

But my life has imploded
James life has ended

It’s just so unfair
This isn’t how it’s supposed to be

We would be engaged by now or soon and were planning on buying a house here. Kids were planned for the future.

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be